Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
