my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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