Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
