hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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