My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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