Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
