His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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