This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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