just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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