Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
