A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
