I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
