I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
