i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
