Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
