Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
