After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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