Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
