I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sext me about skeletons
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
