That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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