you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is Oprah even human
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
