Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
