Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
