today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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