the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
