the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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