Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm really busy with my period
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