blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
