High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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