Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
