she woke up with a sticky ear
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
