idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
