Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
