Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she peed on how many people?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
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