You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
