I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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