he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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