May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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