Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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