This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
