If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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