dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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