my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
