I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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