I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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