That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
COCAINE IS GR8
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
