sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
