So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
