woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
