Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
