so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize
